Years ago, a woman sat in my living room during a birth support group and gave some of the clearest wisdom that I have ever heard.
She said "Everyone thinks I am looking at the glass as half empty instead of half full. They just don't understand that there are two glasses. One is full and overflowing with my love for my baby, and the other is about my experience."
Over the past week I have experienced many emotions around all the events of the past several months and days. Part of that struggle includes taming recurrent post partum depression and the crazy way it makes my brain work for a while after my babies are born. Yet another part, the part that relates to my work as a birth doula, my years of helping women heal from traumatic births, my own traumatic cesarean with Ethan, and my history of natural home births created a complex set of feelings that I am and will be processing for a little while.
Understanding the concept of the many glasses as I do, I am simultaneously able to bask in the joy of our sweet little girl, to revel in the miracles that we have witnessed, and explore my gratitude both to God and to loved ones who have taken care of us. I have been so blessed to have the most amazing support from Guy, who listens and wipes tears, reminds me of what is true and real, and also points out when I am straying into dark and unproductive pathways of thought.
Another way he helps me is through blessings. In our religious practices, men who have received the priesthood give blessings of health and comfort by the laying on of hands to those in need. I asked Guy for a blessing yesterday, and was so comforted by his words of comfort and council.
At one point in the blessing he mentioned something that I was surprised by. He said that very soon I would come to understand why Natalie was sent to our family at this time, even though it was not a part of our plans. I thought it was an odd thing to mention, since I haven't lamented her pending arrival since the initial shock of the positive test came back; not for a moment.
Then today I got a call from my brother that made Guy's words suddenly make sense. My brother got tested for a genetic clotting disorder called Factor 5 that may explain why I have had problems clotting, a test I was told I am not able to take while on my meds.
Results were positive.
There are 23 people in just my family alone who may be affected by this news, including Natalie's own brothers and sisters. Dozens more with cousins and their children.
Perhaps this little girl's mission has already begun.
And learning about her and the way she has touched the lives of so many
others is giving me many other glasses to look at.