Tessa wanted me to see the sunset, so she took a picture and brought it inside to show me. The bulbs I planted in the fall are coming up. I can see yellow blurs through the window way out by the back fence. The world is moving along without me.
I got a little flustered last night when I bumbled through the place and saw what three-weeks-of-no-mama does to a house. I got in the wheelchair and called all the kids in from their various diversions. I can't reach much, but a kitchen gets a lot cleaner when mama can see that a child has pushed in the dirty cutting board without wiping it, or swept the floor and left the pile under the counter.
I have a technique I use for cleaning up a crazy dirty room (when I am not nursing a blood clot, that is). I get a broom, or, in the case of a kid's room, a rake (yes, I am totally serious) and I scrape everything into the middle of the room. I take every thing that does not belong on the surfaces and put it all in one spot on a bed or table. Next I wipe-dust-sweep-vacuum the perimeter of the room like a Zamboni, working from the walls to the center. When I have gotten that far, I only need to deal with that pile, and then I know I will be done. From that pile, I find I can sort in to mini-piles, save myself trips, gather like objects, and pick up all the trash at the end in one scoop (if you haven't gotten the picture yet, yes, we can be slobs).
So I need to do that right now.
My head is messy inside, and I need to clean up and put all the chaos in one pile.
Well, two actually.
You don't need to read it, but since this is my journal as well as my blog, I need to write it out. Please understand that this has nothing to do with faith, or lack of it. This has to do with noise in my head. I can and will write for days and years and lifetimes
and miracles witnessed
Sometimes you have to clean up, first.
Pile #1- What could have happened
You have a high chance of a pulmonary embolism.
If you have an embolism, you have high chance of death.
The blood thinners might not work and the clot could grow.
We might have to amputate if we don't do the scary full-blown surgery.
Not having the surgery leaves you with 50-70% chance
of permanent debilitation in your leg.
The surgery poses a risk of cancer and internal bleeding to the baby.
The surgery poses a risk of internal bleeding to you.
(What could or is still happening):
The blood thinners puts you at 10% risk of placental abruption.
Even though you are on blood thinners, your clot can still grow and you could still have an embolism; call 911 if you have chest pain or difficulty breathing.
The blood thinners could make blood transfuse between you and baby.
If baby has RH positive blood (it does) and blood is transfused, antibodies may attack baby's red blood cells.
If baby shows signs of organ failure due to antibody increase, pre-term delivery will be necessary.
If the clotting disorder is genetic, you will have higher risk of blood clots forming on the back of the placenta causing organ growth retardation in baby.
There is no way of checking if it is genetic until after you are off blood thinners.
You can't have a homebirth anymore.
You will need continuous fetal monitoring for birth.
If baby is born early, you will have to deliver at a hospital that has not been accredited as baby friendly to be at the level 3 NICU.
If you go into labor before 36 weeks, you will be on blood thinners that have no reversal drug and you may hemorrhage.
You may need a cesarean.
If you need a cesarean, you will not be able to have an epidural because if possible spinal cord hemorrhage, so you will have general anesthesia.
You need to get to the hospital as soon as you think you are in labor.
You may need to be induced early.
If the blood clot in you pelvis remains, you will require surgery after the birth to place stents.
If your antibodies continue to rise, the baby will need a transfusion.
The blood for the baby will be hard to locate because you have two antigens.
If you start to have an abruption, you may not have any symptoms in time to save the baby.
Pile #2 - What you will have to do from now on
Check blood sugar every day four to 6 times
Stay hydrated to reduce contractions
Give yourself shots twice a day
Check thyroid every 2 months
Check RH titers once a month
Check baby's organ growth every 4 weeks by ultrasound
Check blood clot in pelvis every 2 weeks by ultrasound
Check baby's brain blood flow every two weeks by ultrasound
Do kick counts every day to make sure baby is still alive.
Chantal, Sweet Chantal, came by this morning after I wrote these lists.
"I have a present for you," she said, presenting me with a tiny old suitcase.
"This is a "God Box". This is a place for you to put all your worries."
She handed me a pack of index cards, with a promise to keep me supplied with as many as I could need for as long as I will need them.
You know, in the old Greek myth, Pandora opened a box that contained all of the grief, pain, and suffering in the world. I have always loved the story of Pandora because after she let out all of the sorrow and pain, she had faith enough to answer the call of a little voice remaining in the box,
that of hope.
I plan to fill my box with all my heartaches and worries,
but I am going to add my hopes as well.