Me: "Who has the best seat in the house, me or daddy?"

Adam: "Well, Daddy's is nice, but yours is best. Your's is squishier."

Monday, March 1, 2010

Positive Affirmations

Some mornings I wake up feeling very afraid. This is one of those mornings. I made the mistake of reading some posts last night about infant loss, and now my brain is there again.

I have been trying to take myself to a place where this dream child is safe and strong and growing, but it's hard. I've tried affirmations, but I can too easily start to argue with myself,

"Everything is going to be ok, ohm...",

"No, it might not. There was that one mom..."

"Yes it will, you, so be quiet (ohm!)."

It ain't workin'.

So these are my new affirmations: I am making gifts for our baby. Felted wool balls that will sit on the floor in the antique wooden bowl that was my mothers. I make them slowly, one at a time. While I make them, I picture a chubby baby, many months from now, scooting over on it's belly, reaching into the big bowl and dumping the balls everywhere on the floor. I see myself tripping on them constantly and being thrilled I have a little one making a mess. I see the baby picking them up and trying to lob them, and not having them travel further than their lap. I see this gorgeous, happy baby trying to bite them and crinkling it's nose at the tickly wool. I see, bigger now, a toddling babe trying to pick up more of the balls than arms will hold. And in every imagining, I am smiling.

I may make a dozen or so before I am truly able to embrace the growing possibility of this growing possibility.

Oooohhhmmm.

.........................................

Hello to all the lovely ladies from LFCA. Thank you for coming over in support. Please come say hi. Here are some of my recent posts about this pregnancy:

Duality - thinking about one of our lost babies on it's due date

Why I wasn't there for her- feeling remorse over not being there to support my dear friend in pregnancy

Hope- a three part post about seeing the first heartbeat after being told the baby was lost, then told it might be a tubal, and finally learning we had a healthy baby.

4 comments:

Just A Mom (Call me JAM for short) said...

Stay positive. I love your felted wool balls and the affirmation that goes with it!

Menopausal New Mom said...

Thanks for finding me, I'm looking forward to getting to know you too and at the same time, I sending warm wishes and positive thoughts to you.

Keep smiling!

julean said...

YIKES! Stop reading those scary things!!

But, really, I'm glad you found something tangible to do to help your mind and heart look forward to the bright future (and get to keep resting at the same time).

I have to tell you though, when I first thought of your chubby-legged, big-eyed, beautiful angel reaching in to the bowl for those balls, I pictured poor baby getting bonked with the bowl.

I love you!

Jackie said...

I love the image of your chubby baby and I think those little, colorful balls are just beautiful! Keep up the good thoughts! Love you!